The Dissonance of Discipline: When Being a Control Freak Clashes with Spontaneity

It’s ironic how I want everything in my life to be structured and planned, yet I’m also the person who will wake up one day and decide to start a whole new project without thinking twice. I like control—the kind that ensures things go my way, that I don’t leave anything to chance. And yet, I also crave the rush of impulsive decisions, the ones that make no logical sense but feel right in the moment. It’s a paradox I’ve lived with for as long as I can remember—a constant push and pull between discipline and spontaneity, both battling for dominance in my head.

For the longest time, I thought these two parts of me couldn’t coexist. That I had to be one or the other: the calculated planner or the free-spirited wanderer. But life has shown me otherwise. They don’t just coexist—they fight, they compromise, they shape who I am in ways I don’t always understand. And in the end, they balance each other out in a strange, almost poetic way.

Lounging around or quietly focusing in little pockets of time?

The Comfort of Control

There’s something deeply reassuring about having a plan, about knowing exactly where you’re headed. I function best when I have a structure—whether it’s meticulously scheduling my day, mapping out my academic goals, or breaking my aspirations into small, achievable steps. Control gives me security. It makes me feel like I have agency over my life, like I’m not just drifting aimlessly but actively steering my way through.

It’s why I always set timelines for my goals. Why I track my progress so obsessively. Why I can’t just "go with the flow" when it comes to things that matter. I know what I want, and I make plans to get there. Whether it’s my dream of becoming an academician, managing my studies, or ensuring my YouTube channel doesn't completely die out (proving to be a difficult feat, am telling you!), I believe in discipline, in effort, in systems that keep everything in check.

Some of it, I think, comes from my childhood—growing up in chaos, watching things spiral out of control in ways I couldn’t do anything about. It made me obsessed with structure, with ensuring that I never let things get out of hand. If my life was going to be unpredictable, at least I wouldn’t be the one making reckless choices.

And yet, despite my love for control, I have another side to me. A side that throws caution to the wind and does things that defy logic.

The Thrill of Spontaneity

For all my obsession with planning, some of the best things in my life have happened on a whim.

I started my YouTube channel spontaneously when I was in Class 9. There was no long-term strategy, no calculated move—just a desire to create, to put something out into the world. And even when I quit and restarted, it wasn’t because of some well-thought-out decision. It was because, in the moment, it felt like the right thing to do.

I started writing my novel out of nowhere. One moment, I was just thinking about a story, and the next, I had characters, plotlines, entire scenes playing out in my head. There was no structured outline, no planning—just an idea that demanded to be written.

Even my most memorable moments with friends and family aren’t the ones I planned for. They’re the late-night conversations that happened out of nowhere, the impulsive tea-making sessions, the random deep talks with my siblings and friends when I least expected them.

Spontaneity, I’ve realized, adds a layer of unpredictability that I need—whether I admit it or not. It reminds me that not everything in life has to be structured. That sometimes, the best decisions aren’t the ones you’ve been overthinking for months but the ones you make in a split second, purely based on instinct.

When the Two Sides Clash

The problem is, my structured side and my spontaneous side don’t always get along. In fact, they’re often at war.

There are days when I want to be spontaneous—when I want to throw my schedule out the window, ignore my deadlines, and just do whatever I feel like. But the moment I do, my brain starts panicking. What about your pending assignments? What about your competitive examination prep? What about that task you were supposed to finish by today? Piling To-do list dekhi, hello?

And then there are days when I am so caught up in structure that I feel suffocated. When everything feels too predictable, too rigid, and I just want to do something completely unplanned to break the monotony.

This push and pull exhausts me. Because no matter what I choose, a part of me always feels like I’m doing something wrong. If I plan too much, I feel like I’m missing out on spontaneity. If I’m too spontaneous, I feel like I’m losing control.

Finding Balance

For a long time, I thought I had to pick a side. That I had to either be the person who thrives on structure or the one who embraces chaos. But now, I see that I don’t have to choose. I can be both.

I can have days where I wake up, follow my routine, check off every task on my to-do list, and feel satisfied knowing that I was productive. And I can also have days where I let go, where I act on impulse, where I allow myself to be present in the moment without worrying about what comes next.

I can plan my future meticulously, but I can also accept that not everything will go according to plan. And that’s okay.

I used to think that discipline and spontaneity were enemies. That one had to overpower the other. But now, I see them as uneasy allies—constantly clashing, but also keeping me from going too far in either direction.

Discipline keeps me grounded. It ensures that I don’t abandon my responsibilities, that I stay focused on what matters. But spontaneity keeps me alive. It reminds me that life isn’t just about reaching a destination but also about experiencing the journey.

I don’t always get the balance right. Some days, I lean too much into structure and forget to live. Other days, I let spontaneity take over and then scramble to fix the mess afterward. But maybe that’s just who I am—someone constantly caught between control and chaos, between planning and impulse, between discipline and spontaneity.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s not a bad thing.